It’s Mom and Dad’s anniversary today. They stayed the night in PG and shopped for a video camera. Which they found and bought. It’s pretty cool and they will be figuring it out for the next several years. It’s also Sunday and I wasn’t able to go to church because no one was home, I stayed up WAY too late and then slept until 10. Half of that was my own anxiety and the other half was my stupidity. I worked until 10 again tonight so I’m exhausted now but I want to keep this up so I’m making an attempt to finish and post this tonight.
Okay… Teeth. What a peculiar topic. Way back at the beginning of spring I was in a prayer meeting and I felt that I was supposed to speak up and say something. In fact I knew that I was supposed to speak up and what I was going to say was confirmed several times. But I didn’t speak up. I took notes instead. Later as I reread the notes, feeling disappointed in myself for not speaking up, I decided that I would write it out as a poem. I tried to write it but what I ended up writing had nothing to do with the night before.
The theme of the poem was teeth. In particular the sons of God enslaved by the enemy and suffering with broken teeth. Later as I reflected over what I had written I found myself reading Hebrews 5:12-14. For though by this time you ought to be teachers, you have need again for someone to teach you the elementary principles of the oracles of God and, you have come to need milk and not solid food. For everyone who partakes only of milk is not accustomed to the word of righteousness, for he is an infant. But solid food is for the mature, who because of practice have their senses trained to discern good and evil. This is the poem, (sorry, it’s long…). It’s all very coincidental and I thought, since it came up again, I would share it with all of you.
Teeth.
God there is a cry
There is a wail
Lilting from the throat
Of the jealous beast
It lifts it coy head
And shrieks
To assault the ears of God.
It spits defiance in your face.
And it casts a saddle
Upon the backs of your people.
Prancing in arrogance
It rides them, drives them down.
Feeds upon their suffering,
As their teeth clench and clash
Against the metal of the bit,
Breaking, cracking,
Till they are no longer able to eat
No longer able to sit,
To dine at the banquet you prepare.
And though they crave
The meat of your table,
Your milk is all they can handle.
So they sit in despair
Looking upon the supper of the Lord.
Their bodies withering,
Their tongues crying for a taste.
These your people,
Once great warriors, dear brothers,
Are caught and bound.
God their cries are muted
They go unnoticed.
Amid the shrieks of the beast
They go unheard.
Attune your ear God
To hear the cries of your beloved.
As the pompous beast is casting eyes
Upon the power of heaven.
Jealously eyeing the livelihood,
The inheritance,
Of the sons of God.
As, in his cunning, he casts them low.
Crooning sweet lullabies
He slides the bit between their teeth
Singing sweet anthems in their ears
He digs in his heels
And climbs upon their backs.
Grotesque arrogance is in his grin,
As he ties them hand and foot
And kisses their anointed foreheads
In mockery of their God.
Do not let this travesty continue,
Oh Lord God, Sweet Almighty,
Rise up and call for chariots of fire,
Gird your loins with justice
And loose yourself upon the earth.
Come down in fury and in passion
Your heart pounding after your people.
May the earth resound,
And may your people be stirred
To rise and stand upright.
Casting the brute to the ground
May they dance upon him
Crushing him beneath their feet
As they join in worship
And celebrate the righteousness
Of the Lord God Almighty.
Restore the teeth of your people;
Teeth which were broken,
And ground by the bit of the enemy.
And lead them to your table.
Yes, lead them rejoicing
To eat at your banquet table.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
September 13th, 2008
It has been an alright day today even though I worked through most of it. It was a very ordinary and uneventful day.
The only thing that made the day unordinary was that I had a dream. A dream that disturbed me, more by the fact that it was not the first dream like it that I’ve had like it. I dreamed about teeth. How peculiar right? In the dream I was running my tongue over my teeth very aware that several of my teeth felt extremely loose. I touched one with my finger and it fell out as did the one next to it. I was afraid that all of them would fall out. I felt panicked and I yelled for my Mom. She came to the top of the stairs confused at what I was so upset about. I told her, showed her and then I woke up.
This was not the only dream, the only mention of ’teeth’ that I’ve experienced. A few months ago I dreamt about teeth cracking. That I had bit down on something and my teeth began to crack and break off. The same feelings of fear, anxiety and confusion coloured that dream.
My train of thought leaps randomly from the basis of these two peculiarly similar dreams to other instances that have crept into my mind and nested there. I think it has something to do with maturity if it has meaning at all. Perhaps it’s just random with no rhyme or reason and I’m pulling rabbits out of thin air, but stick with me for the sake of speculation.
My train of thought upon waking up was really random. I thought about roots. About how the roots must have been bad or how there must have been something terribly wrong the gums. And then I was reminded of how it was similar to the parable of the seeds. I helped with Sunday School in the middle of the summer and as we went over the familiar parable about the farmer who sowed seed; some fell on hard ground, some in rocks, some in thistles, some in good ground etc; and because the Olympics were this summer we tried to tie the games into the lesson.
I started to think about how our hearts are like a garden. In a garden there are paths where the ground is hard, there are rocky places and places with weeds and there is good soil. It’s all one garden but the soil has many different characteristics. That is like our hearts. There are things that we are able to accept and understand easily and then there are things that we struggle with. God sows his seeds into our hearts, not just in places where there is good soil, but into every place.
In a way that seed is like a test. God throws his seeds onto the hard ground of our hearts and allows us to see that the seeds are eaten by birds because until we recognize that that part of our heart is hard we will not consider cultivating the ground to made it softer. It’s the same with the other illustrations. He throws seeds into the rocky ground of our hearts so that we will be better able to determine what influences need to be cast out of the garden and he plants seeds where weeds will grow up to show us what actions and attitudes we need to change. And he throws seeds into the good soil of our hearts to give us a vision and a hope. Those seeds were planted to be an encouragement for us, so that we have high expectations for a life that is abundant. As those seeds sprout and flourish we are able to see what a ‘real’ garden looks like and we have something to compare the poor growth in other parts of our hearts against.
The Olympic motto encourages personal achievement. The whole goal is to work to become the very best that we can be, to push our personal boundaries and to strive for excellence. This parable encourages us to do the same. It urges us to examine the soil of our hearts, to search ourselves and cultivate the soil of our heart so that we may bear fruit for Jesus.
At 3 or 4 in the morning when I woke up it related to the whole bad root, gum decay part of the dream a whole lot better than it does now… I’m going to cut this in half, call this half the 13th and the next the 14th because I didn’t get to post it last night. It’s long, I’m tired and feeling very uncreative so this is going to last two days.
The only thing that made the day unordinary was that I had a dream. A dream that disturbed me, more by the fact that it was not the first dream like it that I’ve had like it. I dreamed about teeth. How peculiar right? In the dream I was running my tongue over my teeth very aware that several of my teeth felt extremely loose. I touched one with my finger and it fell out as did the one next to it. I was afraid that all of them would fall out. I felt panicked and I yelled for my Mom. She came to the top of the stairs confused at what I was so upset about. I told her, showed her and then I woke up.
This was not the only dream, the only mention of ’teeth’ that I’ve experienced. A few months ago I dreamt about teeth cracking. That I had bit down on something and my teeth began to crack and break off. The same feelings of fear, anxiety and confusion coloured that dream.
My train of thought leaps randomly from the basis of these two peculiarly similar dreams to other instances that have crept into my mind and nested there. I think it has something to do with maturity if it has meaning at all. Perhaps it’s just random with no rhyme or reason and I’m pulling rabbits out of thin air, but stick with me for the sake of speculation.
My train of thought upon waking up was really random. I thought about roots. About how the roots must have been bad or how there must have been something terribly wrong the gums. And then I was reminded of how it was similar to the parable of the seeds. I helped with Sunday School in the middle of the summer and as we went over the familiar parable about the farmer who sowed seed; some fell on hard ground, some in rocks, some in thistles, some in good ground etc; and because the Olympics were this summer we tried to tie the games into the lesson.
I started to think about how our hearts are like a garden. In a garden there are paths where the ground is hard, there are rocky places and places with weeds and there is good soil. It’s all one garden but the soil has many different characteristics. That is like our hearts. There are things that we are able to accept and understand easily and then there are things that we struggle with. God sows his seeds into our hearts, not just in places where there is good soil, but into every place.
In a way that seed is like a test. God throws his seeds onto the hard ground of our hearts and allows us to see that the seeds are eaten by birds because until we recognize that that part of our heart is hard we will not consider cultivating the ground to made it softer. It’s the same with the other illustrations. He throws seeds into the rocky ground of our hearts so that we will be better able to determine what influences need to be cast out of the garden and he plants seeds where weeds will grow up to show us what actions and attitudes we need to change. And he throws seeds into the good soil of our hearts to give us a vision and a hope. Those seeds were planted to be an encouragement for us, so that we have high expectations for a life that is abundant. As those seeds sprout and flourish we are able to see what a ‘real’ garden looks like and we have something to compare the poor growth in other parts of our hearts against.
The Olympic motto encourages personal achievement. The whole goal is to work to become the very best that we can be, to push our personal boundaries and to strive for excellence. This parable encourages us to do the same. It urges us to examine the soil of our hearts, to search ourselves and cultivate the soil of our heart so that we may bear fruit for Jesus.
At 3 or 4 in the morning when I woke up it related to the whole bad root, gum decay part of the dream a whole lot better than it does now… I’m going to cut this in half, call this half the 13th and the next the 14th because I didn’t get to post it last night. It’s long, I’m tired and feeling very uncreative so this is going to last two days.
Friday, September 12, 2008
September 12th, 2008
It’s getting late so I’m going to attempt to make this short, sweet and to the point. I just got home from work. It was a relatively good day, a little slow at the end which makes it rather tedious.
I went with Mom to Judy’s this morning and helped her clean. So I got to sit on the dock in the sunshine and watched the ducks go by.
I bought a toothbrush, I watched Narnia and I’m too tired to think of anything else to tell you.
I went with Mom to Judy’s this morning and helped her clean. So I got to sit on the dock in the sunshine and watched the ducks go by.
I bought a toothbrush, I watched Narnia and I’m too tired to think of anything else to tell you.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
September 11th, 2008
Today was good.
I had the day off and it was relatively warm so I got to spend time wandering around comfortably outside. The last few mornings when I go outside in the morning I’ve been meet by unusually excited dogs. I don’t know what’s got into them but I step out that door and they come running to meet me like the paparazzi at a red carpet event. I can’t say it’s not flattering to be held in such high regard but I do find it funny that they race to be first to sit at my feet. It makes me feel pretty special. So I feed them and then we all go for a run around the yard and a good walk through the fields. Then I come into the house and Bethany calls about 10 just to talk.
I also had time to just sit and read. I think I said a few days previous that I finished reading ‘The Portrait of Dorian Gray’. I decided that because it was a heavier book my next choice would have to be less weighty. So I’ve been reading ‘Emma’ by Jane Austen. So far I really love it. I love that in a lot of ways it’s predictable, but it’s predictable in a way that makes you excited to read on and see it happen. I love the purity and sweetness of the romance. It’s awesome and I’m really enjoying it.
I got to talk to my mom about my ‘options’ and all the things I’ve been considering lately. The fact that I have nearly a years worth of tuition saved up, but I’m restless and kind of uninterested in school. It felt really, really good just to rant and be heard. She offered some practical advice, some prayerful advice and a lot of comfort. It was really, really good. I needed to talk and I’m happy that the opportunity to talk to her just sort of happened ‘organically‘. Yup… REALLY good conversation, made me happy and peaceful.
Chris shot a deer tonight. Hunting season just started and he’s already bagged a big one. So he’s insanely excited. It’s a really big deer. If I knew how to put photo’s in here I totally would, he’s that proud of himself. It’s a 5 point, 6 if you count the brow tangs, or something like that, he was too excited to be concise.
Other than that not a whole lot happened. Right now I’m reflecting on and recording the events of the day while sitting on the counter, scrolling casually through my song list singing to my favourites. This is one of my favourites. It’s called ’Lead Me To The Cross’ and it’s sung by Hillsong United. I love it because when I asked God what I must do to see my perspective change, what must happen for me to start acting as a daughter and not as a slave he told me to go to the cross. So that was my prayer, ‘lead me to the cross’. If I understand what Jesus did at the cross, if I know the significance of it and what it means for me, then I will not be thinking as a slave but as a daughter.
Lead Me To The Cross
Savoir I come,
Quiet my soul,
Remember.
Redemption’s hill,
Where you’re blood was spilt
For my ransom.
Everything I once held dear
I count it all as loss
Lead me to the cross
Where you’re love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord, I lay me down.
Rid me of myself,
I belong to you.
Lead me,
Lead me to the cross.
Here I reside
Tempted and tried
Human
You’re word became flesh
Bore my sin and death
Now you’re risen
Everything I once held dear
I count it all as loss
Lead me to the cross
Where your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to you
Lead me
Lead me to the cross
To you’re heart
To you’re heart
Lead me to you’re heart
Oh, lead me to you’re heart
Lead me to the cross
Where you’re love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to you.
Lead me
Lead me to the cross
I had the day off and it was relatively warm so I got to spend time wandering around comfortably outside. The last few mornings when I go outside in the morning I’ve been meet by unusually excited dogs. I don’t know what’s got into them but I step out that door and they come running to meet me like the paparazzi at a red carpet event. I can’t say it’s not flattering to be held in such high regard but I do find it funny that they race to be first to sit at my feet. It makes me feel pretty special. So I feed them and then we all go for a run around the yard and a good walk through the fields. Then I come into the house and Bethany calls about 10 just to talk.
I also had time to just sit and read. I think I said a few days previous that I finished reading ‘The Portrait of Dorian Gray’. I decided that because it was a heavier book my next choice would have to be less weighty. So I’ve been reading ‘Emma’ by Jane Austen. So far I really love it. I love that in a lot of ways it’s predictable, but it’s predictable in a way that makes you excited to read on and see it happen. I love the purity and sweetness of the romance. It’s awesome and I’m really enjoying it.
I got to talk to my mom about my ‘options’ and all the things I’ve been considering lately. The fact that I have nearly a years worth of tuition saved up, but I’m restless and kind of uninterested in school. It felt really, really good just to rant and be heard. She offered some practical advice, some prayerful advice and a lot of comfort. It was really, really good. I needed to talk and I’m happy that the opportunity to talk to her just sort of happened ‘organically‘. Yup… REALLY good conversation, made me happy and peaceful.
Chris shot a deer tonight. Hunting season just started and he’s already bagged a big one. So he’s insanely excited. It’s a really big deer. If I knew how to put photo’s in here I totally would, he’s that proud of himself. It’s a 5 point, 6 if you count the brow tangs, or something like that, he was too excited to be concise.
Other than that not a whole lot happened. Right now I’m reflecting on and recording the events of the day while sitting on the counter, scrolling casually through my song list singing to my favourites. This is one of my favourites. It’s called ’Lead Me To The Cross’ and it’s sung by Hillsong United. I love it because when I asked God what I must do to see my perspective change, what must happen for me to start acting as a daughter and not as a slave he told me to go to the cross. So that was my prayer, ‘lead me to the cross’. If I understand what Jesus did at the cross, if I know the significance of it and what it means for me, then I will not be thinking as a slave but as a daughter.
Lead Me To The Cross
Savoir I come,
Quiet my soul,
Remember.
Redemption’s hill,
Where you’re blood was spilt
For my ransom.
Everything I once held dear
I count it all as loss
Lead me to the cross
Where you’re love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord, I lay me down.
Rid me of myself,
I belong to you.
Lead me,
Lead me to the cross.
Here I reside
Tempted and tried
Human
You’re word became flesh
Bore my sin and death
Now you’re risen
Everything I once held dear
I count it all as loss
Lead me to the cross
Where your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to you
Lead me
Lead me to the cross
To you’re heart
To you’re heart
Lead me to you’re heart
Oh, lead me to you’re heart
Lead me to the cross
Where you’re love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to you.
Lead me
Lead me to the cross
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
September 10th, 2008
Work was good today. Very relaxed and low key. I was senior for a good part of the night but it was alright because I was working with Kendal and Alysha and they both know what they're doing. So I don't have to worry about things getting down because I just know they will be done. I know that I stress about things way too much, so it's nice to just relax and feel confident that everything's under control. I only had to work until 9 and that made the night seem so much nicer than usual.
I feel really restless and edgy. I feel like for now I am ultimately supposed to be in Quesnel but I would leap at the chance to take a few months vacation on the other side of the world. There's a huge world out there and I've got money in a bank acount tempting me to pack my bags and go see some of it. I know, I know, I know... It's for school and I've got to go back sometime, but it's seriously tempting. I would love to visit the middle east, Israel, Afghanistan and Egypt. It's appealing to me on so many levels. The fact that it's the literal place where God did amazing miracles and where Jesus lived out his life is only part of my over all attraction. I love archaeology and the middle east is literally a treasure cove. I would also love to go to Europe. To visit the Mackenzies in Scotland, to see Paris and St. Petersburg. To visit Germany and see first hand the concentration camps.
And that's just a start to the list of places that I would like to go and see. The thing is I wouldn't want to go by myself. I'd want to bring along a friend. Which was why when Elizabeth said she was considering taking a year off school to travel and asked if I would be willing to go with her I found myself seriously considering it. Not only would I be assured that it would be a lot of fun but I also know that the entire trip would, in some way, be about hanging out with God.
Elizabeth used to be the girl that I dragged into my crazy schemes. It used to be me saying, Elizabeth! Don't be so negative, we can totally do this! Can you just imagine what God could do in people's lives through something like that? It could be huge! We HAVE to try. And then she went away to Bible college and God made her bold, while I was getting toned down. That summer she convinced me that we could totally go on a road trip with absolutely no plans except to pray, listen and go where God told us to go, and just enjoy being in His company. It was an amazing trip. Our personalities have kind of evened out. So when she's over the top spontaneous, I'm grounded enough to have concerns. And when I'm gushing about one thing or another, she listens, considers and voices her concerns. Which is really good because if we didn't question each other we would be climbing blindly out of a lot of ditches.
So it's something I'm seriously considering, despite the fact that I feel like I'm stalling when it comes to going back to school. It's strange but a big part of me doesn't want to go back to school. I want to 'DO' something, I don't want to sit at a desk. I want to run wild, go crazy, see cool stuff and have fun. I can already hear Iris saying, then come visit me in Japan! But I'm not brave enough to travel to Japan by myself. I'm very proud of Iris for doing it, I think I tell just about every person I meet that I have a friend who's living in Japan, but I'm skeptical about going there myself. And, for no reason whatsoever, I have just about no desire to go to Japan. None. I never really have. Unless there was something really, really special and totally God appointed in Japan, I just would not want to go there. Sorry Iris, I don't think I'll be coming to visit, but I'll send you a package of Skittles in the mail with all of my love. :)
I guess it's anyone's guess where I'll be and what I'll be doing over the next year. I personally hope that I will get the chance to the leave the country for even a short time in the near future to shake away the restless feelings.
I feel really restless and edgy. I feel like for now I am ultimately supposed to be in Quesnel but I would leap at the chance to take a few months vacation on the other side of the world. There's a huge world out there and I've got money in a bank acount tempting me to pack my bags and go see some of it. I know, I know, I know... It's for school and I've got to go back sometime, but it's seriously tempting. I would love to visit the middle east, Israel, Afghanistan and Egypt. It's appealing to me on so many levels. The fact that it's the literal place where God did amazing miracles and where Jesus lived out his life is only part of my over all attraction. I love archaeology and the middle east is literally a treasure cove. I would also love to go to Europe. To visit the Mackenzies in Scotland, to see Paris and St. Petersburg. To visit Germany and see first hand the concentration camps.
And that's just a start to the list of places that I would like to go and see. The thing is I wouldn't want to go by myself. I'd want to bring along a friend. Which was why when Elizabeth said she was considering taking a year off school to travel and asked if I would be willing to go with her I found myself seriously considering it. Not only would I be assured that it would be a lot of fun but I also know that the entire trip would, in some way, be about hanging out with God.
Elizabeth used to be the girl that I dragged into my crazy schemes. It used to be me saying, Elizabeth! Don't be so negative, we can totally do this! Can you just imagine what God could do in people's lives through something like that? It could be huge! We HAVE to try. And then she went away to Bible college and God made her bold, while I was getting toned down. That summer she convinced me that we could totally go on a road trip with absolutely no plans except to pray, listen and go where God told us to go, and just enjoy being in His company. It was an amazing trip. Our personalities have kind of evened out. So when she's over the top spontaneous, I'm grounded enough to have concerns. And when I'm gushing about one thing or another, she listens, considers and voices her concerns. Which is really good because if we didn't question each other we would be climbing blindly out of a lot of ditches.
So it's something I'm seriously considering, despite the fact that I feel like I'm stalling when it comes to going back to school. It's strange but a big part of me doesn't want to go back to school. I want to 'DO' something, I don't want to sit at a desk. I want to run wild, go crazy, see cool stuff and have fun. I can already hear Iris saying, then come visit me in Japan! But I'm not brave enough to travel to Japan by myself. I'm very proud of Iris for doing it, I think I tell just about every person I meet that I have a friend who's living in Japan, but I'm skeptical about going there myself. And, for no reason whatsoever, I have just about no desire to go to Japan. None. I never really have. Unless there was something really, really special and totally God appointed in Japan, I just would not want to go there. Sorry Iris, I don't think I'll be coming to visit, but I'll send you a package of Skittles in the mail with all of my love. :)
I guess it's anyone's guess where I'll be and what I'll be doing over the next year. I personally hope that I will get the chance to the leave the country for even a short time in the near future to shake away the restless feelings.
September 9th, 2008
So far today has been a slow day. I finished ironing nearly every pair of pants in the house. Ironing is a gruelling exercise because I tend to put it off until it is 100% necessary to do it. When no one has pants and the stack in the basement waiting beside the ironing board is taller than I am then I drag the CD player downstairs, pick up a pair of pants, turn my back to the pile and just start. It went relatively well today because I let them tumble in the dryer for a few minutes to get soft before I ironed them (One of mom’s tricks that actually works.).
I talked to Bethany this morning. She told me about starting her tae kwon do lessons. The plan is to try it for a month and see how she likes it. Apparently she learned front, side and back kick, as well as how to break a person‘s hand. So soon she will have to be registered as a lethal weapon and there will be no way anyone can even begin to tickle her without risking their lives. I absolutely love her enthusiasm for it.
Mom and Dad’s 23rd anniversary is this weekend, which is pretty exciting. I never thought much about how peculiar and special my family was until I got into high school. In high school I realized that a huge portion of my classmates had parents who were divorced. It’s pretty special that when my parents placed rings on their fingers and made promises to stay together they meant it. They weren’t getting married for the weekend, they were in it for life. I can’t imagine one without the other. They met in the 7th grade and they’ve been close ever since. Maybe that’s why I can’t think of marriage as anything but forever and I can’t imagine feeling ready to be married at 20. Yet several of my former classmates are doing just that. Even more scary, at least 6 that I know of already have kids. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that because to me it just seems surreal.
I talked to Elizabeth this evening which was really awesome although it kind of made me feel lonesome. I miss her already and she’s hardly been gone a week. I don’t have a lot of friends that I’m able to just talk on and on about God with and not feel self conscious or really inadequate. So it’s always really awesome to talk to her and tonight was no exception.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately because, as I calculated back in June, I will have just over 8000 dollars by the beginning of October. By the end of December I will have saved a whole years worth of tuition. So it would appear that now is the time to dream and make some real decisions. That’s all really good in theory but when it comes right down to it I don’t know what to do with my life. I really do not want to go into debt just to go to school. It should not be necessary and it should not be ‘normal’. If I serve a God who is fully capable of taking care of all of my needs then shouldn’t that include school tuition? I can’t help but think that it should. I will teach but I have my doubts that I will teach in a traditional sense or in a typical place. That in itself makes my next step difficult to determine.
I watched a short video clip about a school being built in India by Mission of Mercy last night. The cycle of poverty in India is generations strong. The people of India are either really rich or really poor; people are either born into privilege or they’re born into poverty. Climbing out of this cycle of poverty is next to impossible without outside help. The population of India is booming and is exceeded only by China. An enormous percentage of the population is under 30 years of age, making it one of the youngest populations in the world. Most of the population has never attended school. With that in mind it is easy to see that what Mission of Mercy is attempting is amazing and terribly needed. They showed photographs of the building and the land that they had purchased. It is an enormous building with several levels and plenty of space. It used to be a tannery and the very first images of the building are very dark and industrial, but as they showed them they shared their vision and their dream. A photo of a large yard flooded and filled with debris at the entrance of the building was proudly presented as the location of a future playground where the children would laugh and relax when they weren‘t in class. They showed pictures of people working on the wiring in freshly painted white rooms and expressed hopes that these rooms would soon be filled with desks and eager children. Their enthusiasm was contagious and genuine. I would love to be involved with a school like that in any way possible.
But what I found really interesting was that when completed, they will be able to teach the gospel to the students who attend classes. They are legally able to do this because India is a democracy. In fact, because of the reputation that Mission of Mercy has in India the government is more than happy to see their work succeed because they are ’for the development of India’. The vision and goal of their organization is to build a better India by helping to abolish the cycle of poverty through education, healthcare and feeding programs. The government is relatively friendly towards them because of their intentions, and yet the majority of the population remains non-Christian. My only answer for why that might be is because not enough people are going and being the hands and feet of Jesus in India. What is that verse? The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few. I found it extremely interesting in any case and it definitely made me think. I went to bed that night filled with warm thoughts, tears and prayers of thanks for their faithfulness and for the people of India.
God has always been a huge part of my life and I don’t see that changing anytime soon. I want to do his will. I don’t want to live my life for me. But I don’t know if I understand what it means to ‘do his will’. Certain things bother me so much that they make me angry. The way that poverty lives on for generations is one of those things that makes me furious. The fact that education, especially post secondary education, is something that is ‘beyond’ the reach of so many people is another. So maybe there’s a reason that it upsets me. Maybe there’s something I can do to change it. I’ve always felt drawn to missions but with everything else turned upside down in my life I no longer know whether that’s the route that I actually want to take.
*Wrote September 9th. Technical difficulties made it so I couldn't post it.*
I talked to Bethany this morning. She told me about starting her tae kwon do lessons. The plan is to try it for a month and see how she likes it. Apparently she learned front, side and back kick, as well as how to break a person‘s hand. So soon she will have to be registered as a lethal weapon and there will be no way anyone can even begin to tickle her without risking their lives. I absolutely love her enthusiasm for it.
Mom and Dad’s 23rd anniversary is this weekend, which is pretty exciting. I never thought much about how peculiar and special my family was until I got into high school. In high school I realized that a huge portion of my classmates had parents who were divorced. It’s pretty special that when my parents placed rings on their fingers and made promises to stay together they meant it. They weren’t getting married for the weekend, they were in it for life. I can’t imagine one without the other. They met in the 7th grade and they’ve been close ever since. Maybe that’s why I can’t think of marriage as anything but forever and I can’t imagine feeling ready to be married at 20. Yet several of my former classmates are doing just that. Even more scary, at least 6 that I know of already have kids. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that because to me it just seems surreal.
I talked to Elizabeth this evening which was really awesome although it kind of made me feel lonesome. I miss her already and she’s hardly been gone a week. I don’t have a lot of friends that I’m able to just talk on and on about God with and not feel self conscious or really inadequate. So it’s always really awesome to talk to her and tonight was no exception.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately because, as I calculated back in June, I will have just over 8000 dollars by the beginning of October. By the end of December I will have saved a whole years worth of tuition. So it would appear that now is the time to dream and make some real decisions. That’s all really good in theory but when it comes right down to it I don’t know what to do with my life. I really do not want to go into debt just to go to school. It should not be necessary and it should not be ‘normal’. If I serve a God who is fully capable of taking care of all of my needs then shouldn’t that include school tuition? I can’t help but think that it should. I will teach but I have my doubts that I will teach in a traditional sense or in a typical place. That in itself makes my next step difficult to determine.
I watched a short video clip about a school being built in India by Mission of Mercy last night. The cycle of poverty in India is generations strong. The people of India are either really rich or really poor; people are either born into privilege or they’re born into poverty. Climbing out of this cycle of poverty is next to impossible without outside help. The population of India is booming and is exceeded only by China. An enormous percentage of the population is under 30 years of age, making it one of the youngest populations in the world. Most of the population has never attended school. With that in mind it is easy to see that what Mission of Mercy is attempting is amazing and terribly needed. They showed photographs of the building and the land that they had purchased. It is an enormous building with several levels and plenty of space. It used to be a tannery and the very first images of the building are very dark and industrial, but as they showed them they shared their vision and their dream. A photo of a large yard flooded and filled with debris at the entrance of the building was proudly presented as the location of a future playground where the children would laugh and relax when they weren‘t in class. They showed pictures of people working on the wiring in freshly painted white rooms and expressed hopes that these rooms would soon be filled with desks and eager children. Their enthusiasm was contagious and genuine. I would love to be involved with a school like that in any way possible.
But what I found really interesting was that when completed, they will be able to teach the gospel to the students who attend classes. They are legally able to do this because India is a democracy. In fact, because of the reputation that Mission of Mercy has in India the government is more than happy to see their work succeed because they are ’for the development of India’. The vision and goal of their organization is to build a better India by helping to abolish the cycle of poverty through education, healthcare and feeding programs. The government is relatively friendly towards them because of their intentions, and yet the majority of the population remains non-Christian. My only answer for why that might be is because not enough people are going and being the hands and feet of Jesus in India. What is that verse? The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few. I found it extremely interesting in any case and it definitely made me think. I went to bed that night filled with warm thoughts, tears and prayers of thanks for their faithfulness and for the people of India.
God has always been a huge part of my life and I don’t see that changing anytime soon. I want to do his will. I don’t want to live my life for me. But I don’t know if I understand what it means to ‘do his will’. Certain things bother me so much that they make me angry. The way that poverty lives on for generations is one of those things that makes me furious. The fact that education, especially post secondary education, is something that is ‘beyond’ the reach of so many people is another. So maybe there’s a reason that it upsets me. Maybe there’s something I can do to change it. I’ve always felt drawn to missions but with everything else turned upside down in my life I no longer know whether that’s the route that I actually want to take.
*Wrote September 9th. Technical difficulties made it so I couldn't post it.*
Monday, September 8, 2008
September 8th, 2008
I'm in the middle of cleaning and doing laundry. All things considered doing laundry is not very difficult, just time consuming. And, honestly, it would probably go faster if I wasn't so easily distracted.
I work later on this evening, closing as usual, and I need to remember to call Bethany some time between now and then. She's called at least 10 times this weekend and I haven't been around to talk. She's probably just bored and kind of lonely so she would probably appreciate my calling just to talk.
My room is starting to feel crowded again, so I think it's time to get rid of some stuff. I need to do something with all of my books. I either need to find more space to put them or I need to give some away. I have books that I have never and will never read because I was given the library when Papa Calder died. Several enormous text books with names like, 'Vpialogy Illustrated' or 'Pathologic Physiology- Mechanisms of Disease'. Huge books that were probably really expensive when he bought them but I have no use for them. I also have a sizable collection of novels and children’s books. I must admit a sentimental attachment to them but if I'm honest I probably won't read them again until I have kids of my own. So I think it's time to start sifting through and picking my absolute favourites. Right now Mr. Popper's Penguins and the Narnia books are on my keeper list which is a good start.
Yesterday's thoughts were kind of scattered and I didn't make a whole lot of sense. Shall I translate? I think to do that I need to back track and explain what lead me to get to that line of thought in the first place.
I struggled through my last year of high school. I spent most of the time stressed about what to do next. I worried about test scores and grades to the point where I made myself sick over it. In my mind success in the future depended solely upon how well I did on provincials. I was convinced that I hadn't accomplished anything that would last after I was gone. This made me really overwhelmed, depressed and frustrated. Any ambition or passion that I had got sucked into my feelings of angst and became awful, twisted caricatures of what they had been before.
Everything was dark, ugly and disappointing. God was present in my life but I was so bitter that I couldn't look at him without feeling sarcastic and cruel. So I just didn't look at him. I served him half heartedly, just going through the motions. So much had been turned upside down and my understanding of who God is was no exception. But God wouldn't just let me sit in the ashes and misunderstand him. He came and sat in the ashes beside me. For an entire year he told me over and over again that he loved me. I had heard it a million times before, 'Jesus loves you', but I had never been able to receive that love. I was a Christian. I do not doubt that even for a moment, my salvation experience was real, but the way I loved God was superficial and immature.
God was different from anything I had previously imagined him to be and it caused me to think about why I couldn't accept the love he offered me. God started to show me what our relationship actually looked like. What was going on between us and the things in my life that were hampering the intimacy and love that comes from close relationship with him. That’s where the idea of slavery comes into this. My perspective of God dictates how I respond to him. I’m performance driven. I can’t accept and simply enjoy being loved by him because I feel that I should be ‘doing’ things to prove that I deserve it. I’m like Martha rushing about getting things ready for Jesus and scolding Mary for simply sitting at his feet, listening while he talks. I felt that it was important to listen to Jesus too, but I should be doing something useful while I listen, I shouldn’t just sit there.
So, like a slave, I find worth in what I do and I treat God as a task master. I must ‘do’ to please him and I’m wary of his opinion of me. How much he loves and favours me depends upon how well I do. That’s a lie. It’s a lie because I’m not to be a slave. I was never intended to be performance driven. God isn’t in the business of obtaining slaves, he wants sons and daughters. He wants us to find worth in who we are in him, not in what we do for him. He wants to work with us and he wants to rest with us. And he would prefer it if we didn’t spend days on end bashing our heads against the wall while praying for relief. That’s just hard to watch and it hurts.
I have realized that I know less about God than I ever knew before. But somehow, in some twisted way, my knowing next to nothing places me ahead of the pack. I’m back to square one and my steps are cautiously taken. All of the things that trouble me now, everything from finances to friends, are all proving themselves to be symptoms of my wrong perspective and my selfish agenda. It grieves me that I have hurt so many with my aggressive actions and spoken so often in a way that I’m now recognizing as very unlike God. He is full of so much love and I was so full of myself.
Spiritual maturity… Yes, it’s a good topic. I’ve been as genteel as a bull in a china shop and the destruction in my path speaks volumes about how needed such a topic is.
I work later on this evening, closing as usual, and I need to remember to call Bethany some time between now and then. She's called at least 10 times this weekend and I haven't been around to talk. She's probably just bored and kind of lonely so she would probably appreciate my calling just to talk.
My room is starting to feel crowded again, so I think it's time to get rid of some stuff. I need to do something with all of my books. I either need to find more space to put them or I need to give some away. I have books that I have never and will never read because I was given the library when Papa Calder died. Several enormous text books with names like, 'Vpialogy Illustrated' or 'Pathologic Physiology- Mechanisms of Disease'. Huge books that were probably really expensive when he bought them but I have no use for them. I also have a sizable collection of novels and children’s books. I must admit a sentimental attachment to them but if I'm honest I probably won't read them again until I have kids of my own. So I think it's time to start sifting through and picking my absolute favourites. Right now Mr. Popper's Penguins and the Narnia books are on my keeper list which is a good start.
Yesterday's thoughts were kind of scattered and I didn't make a whole lot of sense. Shall I translate? I think to do that I need to back track and explain what lead me to get to that line of thought in the first place.
I struggled through my last year of high school. I spent most of the time stressed about what to do next. I worried about test scores and grades to the point where I made myself sick over it. In my mind success in the future depended solely upon how well I did on provincials. I was convinced that I hadn't accomplished anything that would last after I was gone. This made me really overwhelmed, depressed and frustrated. Any ambition or passion that I had got sucked into my feelings of angst and became awful, twisted caricatures of what they had been before.
Everything was dark, ugly and disappointing. God was present in my life but I was so bitter that I couldn't look at him without feeling sarcastic and cruel. So I just didn't look at him. I served him half heartedly, just going through the motions. So much had been turned upside down and my understanding of who God is was no exception. But God wouldn't just let me sit in the ashes and misunderstand him. He came and sat in the ashes beside me. For an entire year he told me over and over again that he loved me. I had heard it a million times before, 'Jesus loves you', but I had never been able to receive that love. I was a Christian. I do not doubt that even for a moment, my salvation experience was real, but the way I loved God was superficial and immature.
God was different from anything I had previously imagined him to be and it caused me to think about why I couldn't accept the love he offered me. God started to show me what our relationship actually looked like. What was going on between us and the things in my life that were hampering the intimacy and love that comes from close relationship with him. That’s where the idea of slavery comes into this. My perspective of God dictates how I respond to him. I’m performance driven. I can’t accept and simply enjoy being loved by him because I feel that I should be ‘doing’ things to prove that I deserve it. I’m like Martha rushing about getting things ready for Jesus and scolding Mary for simply sitting at his feet, listening while he talks. I felt that it was important to listen to Jesus too, but I should be doing something useful while I listen, I shouldn’t just sit there.
So, like a slave, I find worth in what I do and I treat God as a task master. I must ‘do’ to please him and I’m wary of his opinion of me. How much he loves and favours me depends upon how well I do. That’s a lie. It’s a lie because I’m not to be a slave. I was never intended to be performance driven. God isn’t in the business of obtaining slaves, he wants sons and daughters. He wants us to find worth in who we are in him, not in what we do for him. He wants to work with us and he wants to rest with us. And he would prefer it if we didn’t spend days on end bashing our heads against the wall while praying for relief. That’s just hard to watch and it hurts.
I have realized that I know less about God than I ever knew before. But somehow, in some twisted way, my knowing next to nothing places me ahead of the pack. I’m back to square one and my steps are cautiously taken. All of the things that trouble me now, everything from finances to friends, are all proving themselves to be symptoms of my wrong perspective and my selfish agenda. It grieves me that I have hurt so many with my aggressive actions and spoken so often in a way that I’m now recognizing as very unlike God. He is full of so much love and I was so full of myself.
Spiritual maturity… Yes, it’s a good topic. I’ve been as genteel as a bull in a china shop and the destruction in my path speaks volumes about how needed such a topic is.
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